OAG Travel News

‘Ah, if only we could get away,’ is a frequent lament from office slaves this side of summer. But while it may seem grim minding the fort while everybody around you is away, going on vacation is a minefield for the unwary.
This is why some people opt for a ‘staycation,’ or what the travel trade calls a ‘home-based vacation,’ instead – not necessarily staying at home, but staying over for a night or two at local hotels, or resorts;  splurging on fine dining: simply an extravagant extension of normal life.
 Of course, it may seem like paradise; getting away from it all to that beach hotel on the Cote d’Azur, or an idyllic island in the Greek  archipelago, with your loved one for a glorious week or two.
 And that’s the rub. Vacations are an ideal time for couples to rediscover themselves – and each other.    But unaccustomed periods of ‘unstructured’ time; the break from routine, can play havoc with relationships.    If you are used to having time apart, being together all day, every day, for several days, can send the best relationship into an acrimonious tail-spin.
I have known relationships to survive, not so much in spite of, but because of the regular absence of one partner on business trips. Absence really can make the heart grow fonder. Hence the  adage,  ‘I married him for better or for worse; but not for lunch.’
Couples on vacation are often forced into a proximity and an interdependence for which they may not have a script.
When away from routine, there should be a new division of privileges and responsibilities, and a rediscovering of each individual’s role.       
According to Jackie Walker, a relationship coach based in Edinburgh, early September and mid January – the periods just after a vacation – are peak times for couples to seek relationship counseling, or initiate divorce proceedings.
‘Vacations are stress times for relationships,’ Walker says. ‘People go back to work after end-of year and summer holidays  and say, “I can’t go on living like this any more; I’m not going through another year.”
They suddenly realize they have little in common with their partner; and the time they spend together is either spent proving who is right, or blaming each other,  rather than enjoying their relationship and supporting and encouraging one another.
‘In daily life, couples can be so busy with work and social commitments that they spend little time together,’ Walker adds. ‘But sometimes all day, every day, for a couple of weeks is too much. If you are used to having time apart in your daily lives, allow for this when you are on holiday.   Accept that he might want to try scuba diving and she might want to visit historic sites, and you can limit resentment and conflict, and have great stories to share  over dinner that night.’
Vacations are a good time for taking stock; and reflecting upon our lives.
‘But if you’ve been burying your head in the sand about relationship problems, long, hot, leisurely days can allow time to admit that something is very wrong,’ Walker says. ‘Many couples take a holiday in the hope of  reviving a foundering relationship, but it’s the late summer that I get a high level of inquiries for counseling – the divorce lawyers are busy at that time too.’
 Paradoxically, relationships often founder when a couple returns from vacation, perhaps after having a wonderful time. A return to the reality of daily life convinces them that they will happy only if they leave their partner.
‘That affects a lot of people,’ Walker says. ‘They may be right; but sometimes it can be helpful to recognize the things you need to change about your life so as to feel happier all year round.’ 
Walker says there are three parts to a relationship. ‘There is him, there is her, and there’s the relationship. And very often the third part is forgotten; people work on the assumption of “I’m doing this,” and “I’m doing that,” and forget about the “we’ part. The general run of what goes wrong in relationships is because people have forgotten how to look out for one another; to recognize that they are serving one another. I believe it is important for couples to support and empower the other person; and so often what happens is that people start blaming, shaming and knocking, rather than working together.’
 If you are still thinking of taking a late vacation this year, here are some tips for ‘divorce-proofing’ your relationship:
-Decide what you both want out of a holiday and agree in advance on joint or separate activities. Give each other space.  
 -Agree who takes responsibility for what: booking flights, hotel and car rental…
-Agree on a budget and who’s paying for what.
-Try something different; if you always do beach holidays, try a rural retreat, somewhere quite to go and walk, and talk, or an activity holiday with friends.
 -Go on holiday without your partner and come home to a revitalized relationship.
 -A lot of the pleasure is in the expectation; but be realistic; expect the unexpected, and for things to go wrong.
  
Roger Collis www.rogerandrandy.com